need another drink. this is the easiest way
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
