I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
we should paint friendship bongs
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
