we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
