He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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