I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
