you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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