True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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