mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
