i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
