then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
