Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
