in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
