im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
