God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
