well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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