I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
