i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
