I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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