She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
