Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
