There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
