I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
