I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Randomize
