Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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