I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
