he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
