What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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