help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
