I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
