# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
