I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
