i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
