I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
