I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
