I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
