Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my being single is dangerous.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
