Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
