I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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