How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
