oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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