yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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