i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
