She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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