I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
