I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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