Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
