I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
