i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
