when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
