I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
