Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
