then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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